10 Things Voters Hate About You
The GOP's 10 Point Fall Campaign Plan!
Dear Republicans:
If you’re a Republican candidate or strategist this fall, take a moment, pour yourself a very stiff glass of Olde Ocelot Bourbon, neat, stare into the middle distance, and repeat the mantra: “We have so much to run on.”
Because you do.
Oh, you absolutely do.
Never in modern American politics has a party assembled such a glittering arsenal of voter-repelling, focus-group-failing, swing-district-destroying, coalition-breaking issues. It’s like watching a NASCAR pit crew deliberately replace all four tires with cinder blocks and then wondering why the car won’t turn left.
It’s like watching Melania pretend to hold Trump’s hand in public, when all she’s thinking is, “Vere is . It’s like imagining J.D. Vance, a pleather couch, and a 55-gallon drum of Temu lube. It’s like Ghislaine Maxwell opening a chain of day care centers.
None of it is pretty. Much of it is politically fatal. And you own it all.
Let’s review this embarrassment of riches.
1. Donald Trump’s Awesome Land War In Asia!
Nothing says “trust us with your future” like a war that the American people didn’t want, don’t understand, and increasingly suspect was launched for reasons that have all the factuality of a Trump Crypto scam pitch deck. It’s expensive, it’s dangerous, and it’s politically toxic.
And it’s just getting bloody.
But the real genius here is the messaging. Republicans can now campaign on a conflict that has no clear endpoint, no clearly articulated objective or strategy, and no measurable success. Voters love ambiguity in wartime, especially when it comes with a rising body count and a mounting bill.
Sure, historically, wars tend to get less popular over time, not more. But maybe this one will be different. Maybe this is the war that finally reverses the trend. Maybe voters will wake up in October and say, “You know what I love? A land war in Asia! A geopolitical disaster that made us less safe and made gas cost more!”
2. Tariffs Are Making Us Rich!
And by “us” I mean, “no one.”
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like to deliberately raise costs on American consumers while calling it patriotism, wonder no more. The MAGA GOP has cracked the code.
Tariffs are the political equivalent of setting your own house on fire and then blaming the smoke damage on your neighbor. Prices go up. Supply chains get squeezed. Small businesses and farms get screwed. And somehow, the pitch is, “This is good for you.”
And yet…oddly…still no tariff checks for MAGA voters. Weird.
There’s a certain perverse elegance to it. Republicans spent decades branding themselves as the party of free markets, only to pivot into a kind of drunken nostalgia for grievance-soaked protectionism that leaves voters paying more for everything from groceries to clothes to technology.
Nothing says “economic leadership” like kicking off more inflation and making life more expensive on purpose.
3. Five Hours Of Fun! The TSA Shutdown!
Ah yes, governance by tantrum.
Shutting down a core function of government like airport security is one of those ideas that probably sounded great in a late-night strategy session fueled by Stephen Miller emerging from his H.R. Geiger-themed masturbatorium wearing the skin of a small child and shrieking, “MASTER! I am a GENIUS!”
