SECDRUNK Hegseth Must Go

An ongoing series until he nukes Buffalo in a drunken rage.

SECDRUNK Pete Hegseth stumbled back into the spotlight this weekend, giving our few remaining allies heartburn and America's enemies reason enough to pop the champagne corks. When he's not found in his daily humiliation pose—semi-conscious on the floor of Pentagon Room 3E880's bathroom, after losing the battle for consciousness with a couple pints of Olde Ocelot Bourbon and a handful of CBD gummies—Hegseth patrols The Building like a roided-up Javert, hunting for signs of DEI or racing across the Potomac to genuflect before King Donald the Mad.

America’s favorite Fox News drunk uncle turned Defense Secretary can’t manage even the simplest aspect of his job: protecting the troops by keeping their lethal secrets safe.